Father Canine, tell me, where have you been?

It's amazing how a few backyard snapshots can reveal a blatant truth I've been ignoring for years. But, as the saying goes, it's better I discover these truths late than discover them too early. That is the saying, right?

Getting back to the recently discovered issue at hand, I think my dog has Daddy Issues. All the classic signs have been there, I just haven't added them up till now.

Sign #1. Unhealthy addiction to affection.

Bailey is constantly seeking someone to pet his head or rub his belly, regardless of where he is or whether his target can spare a hand. His tactics can be dangerous and sometimes indicative of early abusive behavior. He has been known to throw his nose under humans' hands while they are being used to drive, write, urinate, ladle hot soup, etc. He also has tried on many occasions to use his mouth to force a person's hand onto a desired petting location. Sadism is a possible motivator for this (see sign #5.)

Sign #2. Anorexia.

Bailey frequently skips meals. At first we assumed that he was just picky, but after upgrading his dog food to steak and cheeseburger flavor, his continued random fasts indicate that the problem is about more than just food. (My father might argue that his refusal of dog food is related to my giving him human food, but he does not understand my therapeutic strategies.)

Sign #3. Crying jags.

The simplest things set Bailey off. All it takes is wanting to go outside, or having to go to the bathroom, or wishing someone else would share their food with him, and he's a mess. This childlike inability to articulate his needs and feelings indicates that his original family discouraged expressing one's point of view and emotions.

Sign #4. Egotism.

Bailey is what we in the biz call an "Alpha Male." He tries to dominate other companions, and is obsessed with his own appearance to the extent that his favorite stuffed animal, 'Hailey,' is a mere cloth replica of himself.

Sign #5. Confused Sexual Identity.

This is marked by his paradoxical denial of/obsession with his genitals. When he was young, he had an operation in which he essentially castrated himself. However, he continues to display his netherlands to anyone who rubs his belly; he licks himself several times a week, and frequently exposes himself in public, going so far as using his own urine to mark his territory.

It is my belief that all these issues stem from one skeleton Bailey keeps hanging in his crate: He never knew his father. Adding to Bailey's confusion is the atypical power balance between his parents, as his mother was a successful and diligent Labrador Retriever while his father was a beautiful Poodle with a golden coat and legs for dog days.

I'm just glad I've located all the pieces of his puzzle. Now I've just got to figure out how to piece together the whole package. There's a children's book hidden somewhere in his story, I just know it.